April 20, 2010

8 years of blather

So come July 17th I'll have been 'blogging' for 8 years.

Ok so not really, because in the last couple years I've been just putting things up every blue moon, very random. Not the fairly well thought out posts I used to do back in say... 2004/2005 when this blogging thing was all the rage.

I am curious about how many other blogs have remained after all of these years, I noticed some on my blogroll are still there, but most are blank, or like mine rarely updated. It's sad when the only posts on a blog are comments on the fact they don't really do it anymore.

8 years, wow, that's about a year before my first was born. So much to talk about during those years, new exciting, frustrating and scary times. Not that those same scary, exciting and frustrating times aren't still happening but not to the extreme that they were during Xavier's first year or 2, or Tristan, or even Griffin's birth. So I guess that sort of explains the lull.

I used to blog about the shitty job I had, the news, some environmental tirade, inlaws, crappy cars... My job for the past 6 years has been going good, everyone else reads the news and I feel like there's no use blogging about the environment anymore it just makes me too sad. So now I lament about not blogging in long drawn out posts about the past.

Who knows though right? It's still here (surprisingly) so that means I can resume any time right? :)

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 30, 2010

I send this note into the din

I send this note into the din
in hope that one ear hears.
In hope that one mind listens
and one soul agrees.

I send these notes into the din
as messages into the abyss,
knowing they will not return,
cemented in their status.

I send these songs into the din
as tiny shards of my mirror.
Messages of hope or fear,
of sadness or glory or pain.

I send this note into the din
upon it's tightrope of taste.
In hopes to etch itself
into a pleasant fleeting memory.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 07, 2009


Cold blue glow
and hum of the fluorescent,
drone of fans and click of keys.
Squelching, squashing, pushing back,
anything but the norm.

Logical, predictable, calculable,
common, typical,
these are acceptable.
Gradually recessing the notes
in my head, with facts, news,
the here and now.

Where is the desire?
The new and creative patterns,
the excitement of the composition,
of the performance, of the creation?

Perhaps the resistance to normality
has slowly eroded.
Perhaps my age, my status,
this province, all are conspiring
to bring me down to their level.

Perhaps it's time itself,
constantly resisting my urges,
my insistence on more minutes,
more hours to my day.
Perhaps it's my own laziness;
to continue the three lives
I may have to split myself in two.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 01, 2009

Facebook: Blog Killer

I was looking into the past today, at a blog that once was thriving and rich with mostly inane, sometimes funny and on the very odd day insightful postings about stuff and junk... and things.

And then a couple years ago Facebook came along, with it's quick gratification of access, feeding the distracted brain with quips and one liners. Instantly knowing that your friend is on the can, laughing at the TV, just broke up with his cat, smells like yesterdays diapers... you know the drill.

And now, 2009 is here and this is the 3rd post of the year. 3rd post! I used to post every day or so, is it that my life is any less interesting? Possibly. Is it that my life is more hectic and I don't have time? Could be... OR it could be that I'm too busy checking what my 200+ friends are doing to be bothered to live a life of my own.

Facebook: the only social application that makes you feel more alone than ever.... because you realize even though you are familiar with everyone there, you really don't know them and they really don't know you. Do you see me setting endless dinner/coffee/movie/etc. dates for me and my wife to go out? No. Are we having epic parties with this plethora of friends I claim to have? No. Hardly. We're just the same as we were before, but even worse because now I realize that I do know a lot people, it's just that I make no effort to socialize with them.

Well I'm changing this, at least the blogging part. I still won't be the outgoing socialite I was in college/university etc. but at least I'll be writing about my sad little life.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

May 27, 2008

Hi, My Name is Dave and I'm an Addict

I'm addicted to music. And Coffee. And video games that deal with D&D/Space/Fantasy... anything where grinding is involved and I can get into an emotional attachment to my character. Oh and sex.. yeah sex... that's the good stuff.

My music addiction is a funny one, it sits in the background, in the depths of my psyche, not being obvious until I haven't been practicing for a while. It comes on gradually: a day or 2 is fine but much past that I start getting owly, lashing out for no good reason and then gradually drifting into depressed. If it goes on too long it will get more and more difficult to pull out of the funk, I will have to actually perform somewhere, or play with someone else to jolt my system. Even worse is if I AM practicing but have no venue or ability to perform, like when I was living at home in St. Paul after college for a year.

Coffee? Well yeah, it's an addiction that I don't like to admit: chemical addiction to caffeine. I go w/o coffee until 1 or 2 pm and I start getting a nasty headache that nothing will fix, not tylenol, ibuprofen, codeine, nothing but coffee. Even coke doesn't have the fix in it enough to ease the pain.

Gaming? Well that's pretty obvious to most that have read any posts here. Escape into a world where I have kickass powers and no worries about everyday things like bills, bill collectors, housework, yardwork, world issues. I can maim and slaughter or sneak and stab, let out that pent up aggression. But gaming leads to the shame spiral. You play for a couple hours, it feels good until you stop and realize you spent 2 hours and did nothing of any real benefit to anyone. In fact you wasted 2 hours that you could have spent doing something that would give you positive feedback from say: your family, your own self (i.e. cleaning), your peers (practicing/working on your trade). So then the next time you play you are hiding from the stuff you should have done last time, and once again it's fun while it lasts, but the guilt just keeps getting worse, and pretty soon the self-loathing come into play, along with lowered self-esteem. I have stopped this futile practice, it has cost me years of my life.

Sex addiction? Well maybe that's just not getting enough... oh wait... no I didn't say that... I did NOT say that... if any one asks, it was not me.

Why did I make this post? I don't know... maybe I'm happy I've bypassed an addiction, blocked it at the root, squashed it into the dark recesses. Maybe I posted this because I know others doing the same thing right now, existing without improving. Hiding from their problems with a fake sword and a powerful spell, or a gun and a car, or a spaceship and a corporation of like-minded folk.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 26, 2008

Entertain me!

Today I was discussing the current and past generations with a co-worker that I carpool with. We got on this topic because I was going on about how my father is so energetic, almost 75, and he can work circles around most of us. He probably has more willpower and work ethic than anyone I know.

Anyways, we came upon that idea that a good portion of my and most of the following generations have become the 'Entertain Me' generation. Entertainment is more important than the fulfillment you get from accomplishing something, or creating something. I see it in my own life and many of my friends, the perspective is just not the same, in our spare time we don't work on projects or play music or read,we sit and stare at the tube or play video games.

We believe we deserve the rest somehow, because of our stressful jobs, our family, etc. we need to shut off our brains and zone. We think that the distraction of the flashy lights and talking boxes will help us forget whatever is bothering us, pass the time until the next day, maybe it'll be better tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and it's the same shit, the same revolving pile of shit, just getting bigger because you're delaying dealing with it. (ok, maybe that's my own life). I'm sure it's not just me though, I talk to others, I hear how they live, some of us are just passing the time away until we kick it.

The number of distractions out there is endless, the number of things you can do other than what you should be doing is growing daily. If you have an addictive leaning towards gaming, gambling, porn, anything, you can find it, it's most likely out there, and it's accessible from your home computer, laptop, cellphone, and others I can't think of. Everywhere I look there's something to take my mind off of whatever I want to procrastinate.

If it's not that, it's buying things, shopping, racking up the debt, hoping the things will fill up the void, the hole that's missing. I have a sister-in-law who this describes perfectly: 'Oh if only I had this, or that house, or now that bigger house.. I'd be happy right?'.

Why is all this like it is? I don't know... maybe because life isn't so hard now as it was for our ancestors. Even my parents generation had to work harder, physically work harder to get things done. My parents had to ride horses to school, or walk, or ride in a carriage, the amount of preparation involved in saddling a horse, or hooking up a harness? Try it some time and you will be grateful for your turnkey car ignition. Life was hard, sure it's still hard but I think the physical aspect was more rewarding than mental athletics. Endorphins, adrenalin, all those things that come from physical activity that make us happier.

Ok you might say 'no, it's more stressful!!!' but I highly doubt it: you turn on a switch and you have light, you turn a knob and you have cooking heat, you can't tell me that we don't have an easier life. You want to go to a city 300 km away? You get in your car and drive 3 hours, not a week in horse and buggy. Traveling was a journey before, now it's a bothersome task in between destinations. Our lives of convenience, have they made us more happy? I highly doubt it, convenience was supposed to give us more time, but what we've done is filled that time with useless meaningless pass-times, meant to fill up days, weeks, pass the time until we die.

Is this all there is? Life = Struggle, at least I think so, we were meant to struggle. Struggle = happiness, if we aren't struggling with something we're bored, if you're sitting watching TV you're semi-conscious but the boredom comes back when the tube goes off, and then the guilt kicks in because you spent 4 hours of your life doing nothing. It may not be in the foreground of your consciousness, but it's there, I'm certain. If you're not struggling, then your self-image degrades, you have nothing to talk about in conversation (other than TV), you have no persona that you can call your own. It's no surprise that depression runs rampant, if you have little to nothing that is specifically you, how can you be happy?

When you're working on something difficult, it's stressful, sure, but that struggle makes you human, it gives you a spine, an ego, something you can be proud of. Something you can bring up in conversation with others that are in somewhat the same struggle. It's easy .... so easy to just flick the switch... turn on and turn off your brain. All I'm saying is take a moment to pause, please, think, isn't there something better I could be doing?

I'm writing this to myself also, fyi, Dave? Turn it off... just back away... go work on something, anything.. .you know what you have to do.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 25, 2007

Some Poetry for your Wednesday


my own life
revolves around headlights,
bright lights and the
watched time.

the quick pace
full of calculations,
liquid crystal
and caffeine.

my spare time
is not spare or mine,
but crammed with
others expectations.

still my heart remains
in the treetops,
the green grass
and the open field.

the sparrow
flitting to and fro,
looking for a little bug
to eat.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 19, 2007

The Power to Distract

If you are like me you are on the internet or connected to the internet approximately 10 to 12 hours a day. I work and it's there ... I come home and it's there. So many things going on everywhere, so many funny, sad, interesting, frustrating things. It's easy to lose your own personality, head so full of information that you can barely speak coherently. I spend so much time filling my brain with new things that someone thinks I should know that sooner or later I know nothing. My brain becomes a jumbled mess, I sometimes can't speak fluently and sometimes real life doesn't seem interesting or new.

The other thing that the internet seems to have a knack of doing is making you feel small. One insignificant person amongst the chaos and collisions of thought and non-thought, stimulus response stimulus response. That could very well be the reason I don't blog much (if at all) anymore, I sometimes don't feel that I can contribute or that I should even try.

I liked it better when I didn't know so much, when I didn't see so much, when things were exciting and new.... when I could come aboard and they were expecting me (ok I couldn't help that cheesy reference). Many days I wish I were a semi-cognizant oaf who could tirelessly do the same repetitive thing day after day, enjoying just being alive. Each day we shovel fuel. Each day we work in silence.

Perhaps the best thing to do would be to unplug, but the cord is now well overgrown by skin and the end is nowhere to be found.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 13, 2007

Look like I am?

I work in a pretty laid back office, we dress casual, no ties, and no real dress code other than no skank / grungy sweatpants / shorts. Anyways, I've noticed a trend in how I am addressed according to my state of dress. I thought it was interesting and I'd pass it along.

If my hair is short and my beard is trimmed I get treated better, if I'm wearing a golf shirt and brown pants on top of that I get treated even better. If my hair needs cutting and my beard is big and scruffy I get treated (by the same people) less better... I'm still the same person.. I haven't changed, it's just their perspective of me that changes. They're still the same, I'm still the same, it's only the facade that is in their minds in disarray. Am I less serious about my job? No. Am I less reliable, dependable or friendly? No.

Does this happen to you guys? I'm planning a little social research, different outfits and see how well I am treated each time I wear them...

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

June 05, 2007


I am scatterbrained these days, I mean sure I'm not focused at the best of times but lately I've been very scatterbrained. I think maybe there's too much going on in there, too many pans in the fire, too many windows on my two monitored brain, too many popups in my Facebook. Yeah I know... I got sucked in.. I'm a loser... and a bandwagon jumper. But once you start it just keeps going and going and dragging you in and soon you have 57 friends and they all are doing something interesting and you have to look and then look at their pictures and maybe peruse their friends to see if there are any people you know so you can add them to your ever growing list of people you know but don't really talk to.

OK maybe that's why I'm scatterbrained.

Well that and there are so many things going on at home, at work, etc. We (me) put in a fairly large flowerbed in the front, complete with retaining blocks. We've got some stuff left to do so we can get the damn final grade approval over with. I bought a portable A/C unit that I have to hook up and jimmy a setup for our window. We are putting in a fence in about a month and that's weighing on my mind. Oh and the air quality has been bad this year, Amber's asthma has been particularly bad, plus we think Xavier might be heading down the asthma trail too.

So .. yeah.. I don't post because I don't know what exactly to post. I could post and just complain but what's the use of that? I could post and rant about stuff, but if you've read my blog for awhile (which you 7 readers have) you've heard it all before. I have no new rants, I have nothing specifically inspiring me, and I'm completely unfocused.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (4) | TrackBack

May 23, 2007

As I was driving to work

I was listening to my Speak no Evil cd (Wayne Shorter, of course) and it queued up 'Infant Eyes', I was completely disarmed. It's such a sad and beautiful song, and I had chosen it as music for Tristan's funeral, some 6 years ago. In a moment I remembered everything, I could see and hear everything, I was instantly back in the Funeral Home and the music was playing.

My life changed so much that week. Things that seemed so important now seemed meaningless, I fell back on my family and my wife and friends, I was confused and dazed. It took a long time and I did cope, but Il am not the same person I was, whether that's good or bad I don't know. I can't tell if I'm stronger, or weaker, but I think that I tried to disappear, tried to hide from people because I didn't want to talk about it. It is still difficult.

For the rest of the drive I thought about other things: my life, my purpose, why I do what I do, what I was meant to do, who I am. I realized a couple things and one is that I chose to be a musician, no one did it for me, and nobody is going to show me the golden path to success. I have always relied on other people to do things for me ... I don't find gigs, I don't peddle myself, I don't form bands etc. etc. I rely on others and that has lead me to sort of a paid gun status, I play for almost anyone.

I've been coasting for quite awhile, and I've definitely posted about this before, and I've had sudden sparks of gumption but they never last. It's so easy to just settle back into the 'everyman' position, especially here in Alberta where everyman is everywhere. I never entirely fit those pants, I never had those goals but when you have to eat and pay the bills and feed your kids that's what you do.

I don't know exactly how I'll go about this but I know I was much more serious before I started into the road of lull. I still don't fit in and I haven't really tried, but my creative side has been almost lulled to sleep by the growl of the commuter traffic and the hum of the AC. It's time I woke it up, shook off the lull and worked for myself. It's gonna be double shifts from now on.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (2) | TrackBack

January 04, 2007

I'm sure most parents feel this

I was thinking about my upcoming reunion, and there was a knot in my stomach forming. I then looked at a couple picture of the boys and I hoped that they won't have to go through some of the trials that I did. It pains me to think of them in situations of ridicule and distress. My only hope is that I can instill in them a sense of self confidence and self-esteem that I lacked, so they can handle all the crap that being a young man throws at you.

That reminds me, I still have to put up that punching bag in the basement.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 23, 2006

Robert McCall, in white fluffy form

{edit} I'm bringing back this post... not only because I like it alot and we got a big dump of the white stuff today but... I'm friggin' lazy these days with the posting etc.{/edit}

Snow really is the great equalizer. We received about a couple of feet of snow overnight, and as I was driving home last night I realized that there are a few things that snow does to throw everyone in the same boat.

  1. Smoothing goodness
  2. Everything smooths out when it snows; the landscape seems smoother, your walking is forced to be smoother (no running dude), and damn you have to drive smoother unless you like spinning out of control into light posts. The highways become smoother, although that's not a good thing, this usually has the effect of making your back less smooth as it becomes twisted in knots.

  3. Cool becomes uncool
  4. Your ultra pimped out lowered ride suddenly becomes more of a hindrance than a help as you try and get it out of your back alley clogged with snow. Meanwhile the old shitty looking toyota tercel from down the street passes you on the street because that guy drives a sensible vehicle. Cool people with thin leather jackets and no gloves now look ridiculous as they stand outside teeth chattering with an inch of snow in their hair and snot-cicles hanging from their nose. Some think SUV's are the way to go, you may be able to take off faster, but if you think you have a superb ability to stop at an icy intersection you will be unhappily surprised as you go careening into the side of an eastbound car.

  5. Distraction
  6. Snow is a great distraction and can smooth out your worries. If you've got money/girl/family/work problems they disappear as you concentrate on keeping your car on the road and navigating around the idiots trying to find a way around the great equalizer.

  7. You can't escape
  8. There is no escape, everyone has to travel through it, and experience the wonders of being late to work. The snow falls on us all, whether rich or poor, tall or short, smart or dumb. It's almost comforting somehow to think others are just as miserable as you are, kind of calming. We're all in this together.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 28, 2006


The thought came to me the other day that sometimes D&D reflects real life. Ok, there are fire breathing dragons and acid swords and +2 helms of holiness, but there are challenges and rewards and "leveling up" as you would call it, and there are specialties, single class characters and characters with multi-classes.

In D&D multi-classing is a long and grinding road of constant hazards, sometimes unbelievably painfully slow as you watch your character become better in both classes. Alongside that is, at young ages that character is not very good at anything really, they're neither this nor that. A wizard/rogue is not a very good spell-caster and not good at picking locks. It takes almost twice the amount of Dire Rat kills to get anywhere as a multi-class.

Such is the same with life, or at least with my life. In the last while I've come to the realization that I am a multi-class. Here I am posing as a IT guy in daytime life, and then at night I work on my real love: music. Neither abilities are advancing at a quick rate and when I was younger I was really kind of bad at both. If I focused on my computer skills my music suffered, and if I focused more on music my computer skills fell behind. These days if I focus too much on my music my boss gets grumpy and starts to think I'm not 100% committed to being there. Which of course is not entirely untrue.. at least not in the greater scheme of things.

I think that real-life musicians, ones with kids, a house, a mortgage, no rich benefactor or inheritance, and ones who aren't famous because of accident/endless whoring of themselves are multi classed characters. We HAVE to be. You can't give music up entirely, especially if you're an obsessive like me, it will eat away at the back of your brain until you are a cranky bitch who will snap on a pin drop. You also can't give up your job, because let's face it: you're not more talented than ever other {pick an instrument}alist out there, you don't have the funds and you will not be discovered in a grand flourish of lights and applause. You are a western society musician, materialistic as the rest, you won't live alone in a one bedroom apartment downtown amongst the sirens and you want some semblance of security.

In a multi classed character there is a point when all the crazy hours you've grinded away at this character pays off (or doesn't pay off) and you become really cool (or really useless). I wonder if soon that point will come around, when I find out if I've fractured my too much, spread too thin, or that everything I was duplicitous about was worth it and will work off each other to make this character really cool.

Ok I've had some wine... and I'm getting pensive, and I realize I've played way too much D&D in my life, but you know it's something to ponder...

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 12, 2006


Why is it whenever there are good things happening I can't entirely enjoy them because there is always that feeling of impending doom?

"Waiting for the other shoe to drop" I think would be the phrase. My definition is "For every good thing that happens there is at least one bad thing on it's way."

It always leaves me on edge and uneasy, I wonder if is some sort of a syndrome for this or something.

Maybe it's just me.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 23, 2006


Do you think that there is a direct corelation between buying a new car and suddenly having very little to blog about?

btw, the new car rocks, even though I've already acquired 2 or 3 rock chips in the hood and a little pit in the windshield. Stupid road construction. OH yes and my first Door on Saturday night, stupid Hyundai driver parked in a fire exit too close to me for his passengers to get out.

I retaliated though... oh you bet I did.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 06, 2006

This silent screaming

Silence. People are silent these days.

Even though things are bad all over the world, so many terrible things happen every day, rights are being trampled on, tortured, killed and the general populous is only beginning to understand the mess we've made of the planet, people are silent. I keep reading stories wondering where the revolution is: Where are the mass protests? Why is Bush still in power? Why am I being arrested for drinking coffee in a cafeteria because I'm wearing a peace t-shirt? Why are there still personal transportation vehicles that make 10 mpg?

Perhaps they are silent for the exact reasons above. So many things in so many places and so many facets of their life are or will soon be affected by world events that they are overwhelmed. They shove their heads far into their work, their family, reality tv (make sure you don't watch the news though), video games and booze as an escape from the monsters outside their door.

It's not that they don't care but they can't put that much thought into the future, the present is too occupying, their job is too stressful, their kids are in too much trouble and the price of gas is too high. Nevermind that if the little grasshoppers would have thought about storing away or conserving, the coming winter would not be so dastardly. The Hummer owners and coal burners are busy fiddling and dancing while the ants are scrambling around trying to figure out what the fuck to do to get us out of the situation.

I've been silent about these issues lately as well, pretty much for the same reasons. You feel sort of powerless, unable to change things, I mean hey I'm a tech who moonlights as a musician, I'm no scientist and I can't afford to switch my house over to solar. I've been quietly trying to lessen my impact environmentally: soon to be buying a new fuel efficient, lower emission vehicle... not much else I can afford past that. New furnace? Power efficient water heater? Yeah, get real. I can't even find a frickin' evaporation air cooler system, something other than the power sucking AC unit that's currently installed.

Alongside all the issues, it seems that there are so many voices and so many contradicting facts people manage to find/makeup to support their view, that really who can you trust? Also, the facts change as things proceed, we've only been studying carbon effects on the environment for awhile so what we know is always evolving. Some folks I've talked to have latched on to old facts that have now been shown as incorrect and using them as a shield to block differing view or results. Perhaps they should also be chanting loudly: "I KNOW THIS, IT IS TRUE, LA LA LA, CAN'T HEAR YOU"

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (4) | TrackBack

May 17, 2006


Sometimes I lose

my train of thought

my age

f o c u s

my sense of humor



my purpose

a voice


the drive to continue

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 24, 2006

Get it before it's gone

Something I've noticed in the past few months, I don't know whether this is because of cheap accomodations/airfare, the age I'm at, or a subliminal urge brought on by worldly trends and developments, but a lot of the people I know have or are have planned out a trip to somewhere outside of the country. The destinations vary from tropical getaways to far away countries like China or Thailand.

I've been thinking that I will have to plan a similar flight soon, my purpose would be different and planned: to witness world wonders that will not be in the state that they currently are in say 10 years. One of these places is the sinking city of Venice, I've heard the square is only above water for a handful of days a year, if they can't create a solution that will be a worldwide loss of history. I would have liked to visit New Orleans, there's another place that will never be the same.

They're saying now that in the next 100 years we're going to see substantial rising of the oceans because of accelerated melting of the polar caps. If the recent weather is anything to go on, I don't want to see what we're going to be hit with in 2050. I'm no scientist, but I"m thinking constant hurricanes/cyclones somewhere in the world, tidal waves, increased earthquake activity, disappearing islands and land shifts. With the increase in temperatures there will also be an increase in sickness, pestilence and bug infestations, resulting partially from a lack of extreme cold weather which seems to kill off many of the disease carrying pests. I also predict an increase in winds and a decrease in arrid land, in northern Alberta alone I've noticed there are few days that the wind doesn't blow, and when it does it's usually pretty brisk. When I was a kid there was more moisture, less warm days, more snow and less wind.

I hate being negative, but I think we're going to have to start adapting to this place while trying to change our behavior, as we've gone past the point of no return. There will never be a time like there was, the weather will get wilder and more unpredictable, the seas will rise and our environment will change, that's a given. The amount of ground-level ozone and CO2 that we've generated is out there and there is no way of bringing it back, and the leaps and bounds that science has achieved in alternative fuel and combustion engines over the past few years is too little too late. If they would have started back when science found out about global warming maybe we would be in a situation where we could postpone the impending changes.

Humankind has some work ahead and some changes to do but what are we doing? Killing each other, squabbling over land, fighting over who's g*d is the real g*d, vainly trying to eek out ever last drop of our addiction (oil) out of the planet, even though the reliance on it is partially what's killing us, imposing our beliefs and morals on other people, judging, convicting, and sentencing ourselves to death.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (4) | TrackBack

February 23, 2006

Trim off the excess and get back to the fundamentals

I've been thinking alot over the last while and I think I've come up with a good theory on life, the universe and religions. My brain came up with this: most worldly accepted religions (not cults, those are a different story) started out good, and in many cases great. The supreme being(s) (whatever his/her name being) spoke to some people, or came to earth in the form of someone/thing and showed humans what they should or should not be doing, and how they should be conducting themselves so as to be successful and prosper. The fundamental goal of everyone, when you get down to it, is to procreate, eat, drink and prosper.

The unfortunate side of religion is that humans are involved in it's continuation. There are sides to humans that too often override the above fundamental goals; these being of course the 7 deadly sins: pride, envy, anger, greed, sloth, gluttony and lust. No matter what we do or how hard we try someone has some self interest involved when decisions are made. Fear of change, and fear of outsiders causes laws to be made to exclude non-believers (or in most cases other-believers) sometimes to extremes where punishment is a painful death. Humans live in little bubbles of perception until that bubble is burst and they realize others are outside that bubble, whether physically or philosophically. We also don't understand new concepts or opposing points of view unless it somehow applies to us. Here's a good example: George Bush's government denied emphatically that global warming was a problem, but now they are pushing hard to remove the US addiction to oil, only because now they are faced with opposing forces controlling the fuel source, alongside blatantly erratic and extreme weather changes. No change in perspective unless it smacks them across the face, and when it does there is no admittance to being wrong at a previous time.

Recently we were faced with a culture clash of a magnitude never seen before, where a religiously ignorant (or racially ignorant, you choose) cartoonist and (from a western perspective) mildly racy cartoon turned the Muslim world on end. Here we have an example of a people who live with an extreme set of rules where one step outside of them (in some areas of the world anyway) leads to death; no questions asked, no apologies accepted, blood must be spilled. Western religions have been jibed and poked fun at for probably a century, I mean hell, some of the most popular cartoons are out and out blasphemous, take Family Guy for example. Folks in these religions have had to exist beside other religions for many many years, and at no point were they allowed by the government to make a call to arms vs. each other. People left England and Europe and came to Canada and the U.S. to escape religious persecution and intolerance, so we have (in a perfect world) countries with a large base of people with this frame of mind. How could anyone expect us to abide by their rules and then if we did, would they abide by ours?

From what I've seen, it is partially because of the information age that this clash came to be at all. How else could these crudely drawn depictions be sent around the world and then when the item appears in the news in just days world-wide protests, burnings of embassies etc. The most destructive protests in countries where they live and breath that way of life. They can't understand how people can live any other way than they do; religion fills their life and everything they do, from what I see anything outside of religion is blasphemy. How can you expect someone who lives this 24/7 to understand jibing of a religious figure? I can't relate this to anything in my daily life because everything is up for mocking, everything in western ideology has been jibed and made fun of. What I don't understand is how persecuting the jews by denying the holocaust existed and mocking the deaths in concentration camps sneaked it's ugly head in there too. Danish - Jewish ... I'm sorry, there's a big difference. Perhaps it gave the extremists and hate-mongers on both sides (see the 7 deadly sins) a reason to show their idea of freedom of speech. Blogs and emails are still fired up around the world tossing around words of hate and intolerance, horrible words that should have long since been put to death. People scoff at politically correctness, but hell if someone would have been thinking even slightly PC maybe this shit wouldn't have even started. If people thought about consequences before they took actions then there would be much less anquish around the world.

Basically what I'm trying to say in this long drawn-out post is that it's not religions that put people against each other, it's people. People draw the lines in the sand. People write the books with the laws. People insert their own agenda into what they think their religion stands for. People make a stand when they should be making a conversation. People join a religion to make them feel superior so they can gang up on other-believers and talk down or judge. People decide they should kill each other or other-believers to appease/please their God. People do these things in the name of {insert name here}, but it is really for their own purpose.

My quest is to shred away the excess crap that religions contain and get back to the fundamentals. We want to live, eat, procreate and prosper, we all want this so why don't we accept that we don't agree and get past that? Trim off the human influence and corruption and get back to the rules about how we should act and treat each other. Children learn this at an early age and perhaps adults should re-learn these values, start sharing their toys and stop being so pushy and mean.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (3) | TrackBack

February 14, 2006


I carry a load of regrets,
they fit in a pocket
in the back of my brain.
They swirl and churn
in their little space,
sometimes the strong ones
jump out
into my conciousness.
I recall times
I wish to forget and
things that I

- DKH 02/14/2006

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 01, 2006

Yeah I'll do that tomorrow.

I bookmarked a page months ago called procrastination, how to stop procrastinating - psychological self-help. It's a bit ironic that I put off reading it because it is a long read and takes some sort of attention span to finish. Anyways I figured New Years Day would be a perfect day to pull it out and go through it. A couple things freaked me out and by freaked out I mean enlightened, yeah sure, no wait, make that freaked me out.

There seem to be a fistful of procastinator types, and I'm pretty sure I'm almost every one of them. I'm a mixture of the two main groupings: Tense-Afraid and the Relaxed type. I sometimes blow off things because I don't want to do them, but then instead of actually forgetting about the shit I was supposed to do, it lingers in my brain like the garbage I was supposed to take out today and eats at me until I either do it or regret not doing it. Maybe that's why I always have a sense of doom about me, because deep down I think all those things I've put off will come back crashing down on me all at once, or in waves of unpleasantness.

Here are some of the types of procrastinators they give:
"perfectionist" "dreamer" "worrier" "defier" "crisis-maker" "over-doer"

I'm less of the latter, I tend to be under-done, the least amount of work possible is right for me. I'm less lazy than unorganized and fearful of failing or doing a half-assed job, so instead I put it off until I rush through it and you guessed it... it becomes less than perfect. You take bits of each of those (other than crisis-maker, I'm not as much a drama queen, don't listen to my wife) and that's me. I'm super defiant though, I'm defiant to the point of not coming in to work on time just to spite my previous employer every day of the last 2 weeks I gave. If you nag me at all about something that I deem less important there's a good chance I will do it at even a lesser pace than I was, or turn it around and somehow make you do it yourself. I worry constantly and my dreaming has always get me in trouble, oh and the first one perfectionist? I think that's what got me into trouble in the first place, I figured after the first few times of not doing something perfectly that it wasn't worth doing, and the putting off of things began.

If you are reading this and think "Eh, he's overthinking this, he can't be that much of a procrastinator, everything works out, just relax buddy" then you probably don't know me well enough. I've procrastinated things to the brink of disaster. Back in College I waited until 2 days before a wind ensemble jury to get a group of musicians to play in the combo I required to pass. I actually envisioned myself jumping in front of a bus because I couldn't take the pressure. Years later in University I waited until the weekend before a research project was due to type it all up... 20 or 30 pages worth. I HAD the stuff in notes but just was dreading the typing. Also only needing one course and some other stuff to graduate from University I came back to Alberta, but instead of finishing it up and getting my degree I've successfully procrastinated 12 years away.

Well I haven't gotten all the way through the article because I keep finding things to distract me, so I'll have to keep you informed of my progress. I know that I've put off this post until Jan 2nd, and it's actually a diversion from working on a big band chart that I've also put off for at least 9 years. Am I a hopless procrastinator? Hell probably, but dammit I have to try, I need to get some frickin' control over this bald tired car on an icy bridge that I call an existence, or the future will be a big drop into an frozen river with me clinging to my kids hoping they make something of themselves so as to keep me afloat.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 31, 2005

This train under constant repair

Yeah, so the blog has been a bit light lately, no real content, I blame that partially on my hectic workdays, gig-full weekends and my growing affinity for Brewhouse beer urp. Seriously though, this stuff is good, sort of a pilsner, but mild enough to drink by the er... handful.

The funny thing about my blogging these days is that it's not light because of lack of stress, or things to rant about, it's light because these things fill up my life so much that I don't have time to come on here and rant about them {whine frickin whine, right?}. Yeah. Well. I'm joined in my stress by Random Pensees, he also has a baby on the way, although ours is coming in probably 4 weeks or so. We're guaranteed she will be induced by 36 weekish, because of past difficulties they don't want to take any chances on a full term pregnancy.

It's almost unbelievable really, that there's going to be another little one filling our house with more sound and joy. Perhaps I'm in denial, perhaps I don't want to accept it's actually happening, or maybe I can't fathom it, I doubt the last one, it's easy enough to imagine. Fear is probably a bigger factor in my denial or rather, disbelief. It really barely feels like it's going to happen even though I KNOW everything is coming up and all things are going extremely well. This baby has some serious attitude and spunk, it gives poor Amber the what-for if she isn't doing exactly what it wants.

I've been less involved with this pregnancy than Xaviers', mostly because of Xavier himself, he swallows up whole days, entire months. Not that I'm complaining, I love taking care of him, he's a wickedly smart, fun and gentle little guy. It forever amazes me how grand his imagination is, this morning I was laying on the couch and he was playing train. He was sitting by my head on the couch "choo-choo"ing and then stopping with a "Whoosh", getting off the couch and performing 3 or 4 repairs to the train, getting back on, etc. etc. It was very entertaining to watch.

Well I'm about done my directionless rambling, besides it's getting late and my body hasn't yet slipped into daylight savings mode (or whatever the hell they call it). Tomorrow is just another monday, other than the fact it's a little lighter when I get up.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 30, 2005


Why did I start down this musicians path? Who knows, perhaps I thought of grandiose things, of fame and fortune, of amazing technical prowess and soulful melodies that made the girls cry. Maybe it was for less grandiose reasons, maybe I thought I'd get the hot girl and end up driving a vette with Charlie Parker blaring, or a cd of my own making.

People used to ask me this at least once a month or more when I was young, "Why do you do this? You won't make any money, it isn't even popular music you're playing, what is this Jazz shit anyways?". Being the rebellious and often obstinate post-teen that I was I made it my purpose to do it for the music, for the music, man, it's because it makes me feel. It made me different is more like it, something other than the average guy in a suit and tie, working an average job and (in my mind anyways) hating every minute of it. This was primarily because of course I hated every job I had, they weren't musical and therefore I was in constant post-teen torture. The angst of the musician.

I became so caught up in being a musician I could barely carry on a conversation with non-musicians. I didn't know small talk (other than about music), I didn't give a shit about sports or whatever tv show that was on at the time. Somehow that changed. When that point was, I don't exactly know. Maybe it was when we bought our house, moved out of downtown (where the action is) and my world started revolving more around keeping the house by working at jobs and making money. The man snuck into my life and forced me to bow to his will, I could no longer "stick it" to him.

At least 8 years have gone by since I became thoroughly enslaved to the wage. Stuff has happened, we got married, lost a child, had a child, and another is on the way, and now I think to myself "Wait! What the hell happened here?". Somehow I jumped from 28 to 36, I still look like I'm 26 at the oldest, and dress like I'm 21 but my jazz career has all but disappeared, I'm no longer avidly practicing 2 hrs a day, I'm no longer transcribing solos, and writing music and obsessing over new cds. Sure I play in bar bands here and there, and that's fun a good portion of the time, but what the hell.

Re-interest is the name of this post because in the past month there's been just that, every night I don't even think about playing games on my computer in my free time, or watching tv. Instead I've been pulling out the old trumpet solo books from greats like Woody Shaw to go over and hack cack splat my way through re-learning them. It's kind of exciting though, because even though my jazz chops fell by the wayside my trumpet chops have excelled. All that latin music high note playing must be good for something after all. I've also pulled out old Jamey Aebersold playalong cds to work on my licks, going back to the start, almost relearning what I once knew.

I remember talking in a previous post about this being my mid-life crisis, maybe it is or maybe it isn't. Maybe I've been given a gift of youthful appearance so that these past 9 or 10 years of strain and stress won't keep me from doing what I want to do? I don't know, maybe it's the 12:30 am talking. Speaking of that, I have to work tomorrow and I gig tomorrow night so.. yeah. This post (such as it is) ends here.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 16, 2005


Do you jump for joy when good things happen? Do you tend to relax when things start going your way? When things you hoped for happen, do you say "Wow that's great for, I'm so happy"? Well I don't.

As far back as I can remember when good things happen to me, when I'm in the black or come upon some winnings if I feel happy it's only temporary and it's soon replaced with an all too familiar feeling of dread. Dread, that's right, dread. Worry and anticipation of the accompanying bad that always comes with the good. The resulting hammer that falls whenever anything good happens, evening the score.

I don't know how this ever came about, I don't think I can control it, and I really wonder if it's just from life experiences that I react this way, or from a family that was always scrimping and saving, never expecting the great things because they never came. I remember in grade 9 when I got my student model Yamaha for Christmas, I felt thankful sure, but I also felt guilty, as if I didn't deserve it, and how could they afford this. Dreading the auxiliary expectations that they may have now that I own my own, perhaps expecting me to be a marvel. Guilt because I didn't feel the way I was supposed to be feeling and as happy as I should have been happy.

Recently things have been better, bills are getting paid, I'm very busy musically and there's all sorts of things opening up for me. Once again though, this week has been one of the worst I've had in ages, it's been constant. I don't sleep as well as I should, I don't want to go to bed because I feel like I can't and I've been restless at work and having difficulty concentrating.

Part of this is that there are all sorts of choices I foresee myself having to make, a couple of hard decisions that I don't want to, and a lessening of any free time that I thought I had. A part of this is the fact there are more gigs, many at a new place that seems great with all sorts of promise. Once again though I've heard all of this before, and my hopes can no longer be brought up by simple promises.

Another part of the problem is our yard, we've been working on getting it up to final grade status for too too long, and I've been attempting all summer to get something done on it. Nothing so far, nothing. Every F#$@ing weekend it rains, or I can't because I'm too busy or something else. It's driving me insane.

One last factor may be the fact that we're expecting come the end of November, so that day gets closer, and the thought of that added to the current load scares me. They say one kid is fun, but 2 is a family, and changes everything. I pray that we can take it.

The only solution I can see is wait, but I hate waiting, and hope, but I'm really bad at that. My mother told me a few years ago that good things WILL happen to us some day, they did when we had our son that's for sure, and my current job is great (for a job :)). Maybe she's right, maybe that's what I have to do, push aside the dread and enjoy the present. That's a hard task.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 11, 2005

Where's Evil Dave? Am I Evil Dave?

Sometimes, and I don't know if other people have this happen to them too, sometimes I get the uncomfortable feeling that I am supposed to be doing something entirely different than what I'm doing at that moment. It feels like somewhere along the way I went down the wrong path, the dimension split, I went the wrong way and what must be my twin "Evil Dave" went the other. I'm pretty sure that this is the case because it's a damn strong feeling, and I start thinking "Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing? He must be having a better time that me, that bastard!"

Maybe I'M Evil Dave, maybe the other dude is all peace and love and Christ-like in his speech and actions. Or maybe I'm the middle guy, the one who thinks too much and overevaluates things to no end

Then I start thinkin those deep thoughts, like: what would have happened if... What would I be like if.... How would I look in a Fu Manchu? What sort of a bad name is this guy giving me in the other dimension(s), and why can't I get in on the action? After an hour or so the feeling usually goes away, but there is always a residual "irk" sitting in the back of my brain annoying me to no end.

Am I mad? Does anyone else do this?

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 28, 2005


This thing has been floating around in my head for quite awhile, and it came to fruition last night around 2:30 am. Unfortunately I was nowhere near my computer or anything to write it down on. Hopefully it will make some sense and I won't ramble into nowhere-"preachy-Dave"-land.

It seems that everything we do is a big circle, life, death, babies, seniors; you're born from dust and your body turns into dust after death. Babies are born incapable of taking care of themselves, and many people last days are spent the exact same way.

The human race as a whole is a big circle too, a circle of life and death, mistakes and sometimes redemption. The German people, their country committed unthinkable attrocities in the last World War but gradually they seem to be learning from their mistakes, and acknowledging the murders of innocent Jews and attempted genocide.

Other countries seem to be taking a slide backwards, (link provided by Darren at Staticred) regressing into themselves, putting up the walls, and focusing on the enemy or the unknown enemy that could "strike at any moment". Fear is feeding intolerance which is feeding hatred and blurring peoples judgement, which in turn stains their humanity and their ability to mature. It's understandable that the wounds are still fresh, but imagine having memories of being bombed nightly for something like 57 days straight, no heat, no power, no gas to cook food with.

There are evils out there, there is no doubting that fact. There are people out there that at this moment want to kill you because of some reason or another, I'm most certain of that. I can bet there was murderous intent in the mind of somebody I accidentally cut-off driving home from work the other day, but I'm sure it faded and his logic/humanity took hold. Am I then going to create a killing device so potent that it could wipe out my city, just because that threat may be there? I hardly think so.

At some point are we going to mature as a race? Are we going to continue pointing fingers, puffing out our chests, yelling and screaming, and throwing dirt clumps at the neighbors dog because it's barking? Are we going to continue rehashing past grievances and pick away at issues while the future crashes down on us, and the greenhouse we live in shatters? Aren't there more important things than making your car shatter eardrums, breaking the speed limit, treating your kids like a nuisance, a fat ass and your 52" tv?

When I was a teenager I remember seeing the past and looking at the present, and considering whether we are a race or a messy destructive house guest. Truthfully, look at this place, look at that mess, are you gonna pick up after yourself some decade? And for God's sake take out the trash it's completely ruining the smell of my bucket of fried chicken.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0)

May 20, 2005

36 - middle-aged?

I've been thinking a lot about this for the past few months, what exactly is middle-aged? According to Dictionary.com middle-aged is roughly between 45 and 65 years old, so I apparently have about 9 years to go.

I would tend to disagree here, I think middle-aged is all in the mindset. It comes hand in hand with the midlife crisis and it's a time when you go "Holy f$@#in sh$@! What the hell have I done with my life?" I'm at that state now at 36 and I'm attempting to make some subtle and some less-subtle changes to improve myself; clean up my time and clean up my house (both physically and metaphysically (Yes Pam, I meant metaphysically)).

That doesn't mean I'll post less, it means I have better things to do than waste my time on the following:

  • daily 2 hour bouts with Neverwinter Nights (or other addicting games)
  • trying to be something that I'm not (i.e. a computer geek). I can work in the business, but at heart I'm a musician and I have to stop denying it.
  • delaying my musical career by one more day by doing the above

The following things, even though I may hate them, they are important:

  • Cleaning up after myself
  • Getting out of the house and talking to other people
  • Finishing projects that take more than 30 minutes to do

This post is a reminder to myself, and a Notice of Failure to Comply from my subconcious to my lazy ego. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! *chuckle*

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (2)

May 10, 2005

Spring is here...

Today I'm reminded of the Rogers & Hart song, but for me it has nothing to do with lack of love, it has more to do with lack of drive. Spring always depresses me, I've never been an outdoors type, never been one who could barely wait to get out of the house and play in the yard etc. I partially blame the harsh results of the sun meeting my skin, the resulting red hell, better known as sunburn.

While others run and play I skulk in my house, or hide away into the shadows until the yellow death goes back below the horizon. On the odd day I decide to brave the burning rays I drench myself in protective salve, throw on the hat and attempt to act calm with my blue-white legs and arms blinding all who come near.

Spring is here, why doesn't the breeze delight me? Because I know that with that breeze comes a hint of dog shit, the crap that's in my backyard that I have to find time to clean up. Somewhere inbetween work, cooking supper, playing with the kid and sleeping, and hopefully during daylight hours.

Spring is here, why doesn't the night invite me? It does, it really does, but like hell I'm going to stay out all night at my age drinking and being crazy just to get up and go to work the next day, or face my 2 year old running around yelling "Daddy Daddy".

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0)

May 09, 2005

60 years, little learned

In my daily readings I read that Russia is marking the 60th anniversary of the end of the Second World War, and that in 6 years 27 million civilians and soldiers of the former Soviet Union died. I took a second take on that "27 million", unfathomable, especially since the current estimate of the population of Canada is 32,190,455.

A death toll of that magnitude would leave 5 million people scattered across our land, less than 1 out of 5 people surviving. At the time of the war, that was 2.7 times the population of Canada. I wish my knowledge of history was better, but I don't think 100% of those deaths were caused by outside forces, but also by the soviet leaders, and political cleansing (correct me please if I'm wrong).

A quote from the article and Russian President Putin, which are my sentiments exactly:
"May 9 is "a sacred day" in Russia, serving as a reminder of "what monstrous consequences violence and moral intolerance, genocide and persecution of others could lead to."
If only the rest of the world would listen, think and learn from the past. Racial, religious, moral, or political intolerance when taken to heart and pushed to extremes can snowball into horror and death. We're all people, all of us, and we are all entitled to our freedom; that doesn't mean your freedom is the same as mine, or your peace is the same as mine. You can't dictate my lifestyle, just as you can't dictate how I think or feel, I can't condemn you for your fear but I can try to help you understand that it's not needed.

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0)

May 06, 2005

The road

There was a boy who knew little,
dropped into the world, bright, absorbing and imitating,
excited about everything, friendly and trusting.

Slightly different than others
in look and action. Glaringly red hair,
a beacon for taunting and bored simpletons.

Uncomfortable teen years,
never rejected, nor totally accepted. Outsider
wanting to belong, but not in keen circles.

Underachiever, bad attitude,
coasting, unstimulated, non-important things more important. Music
is all there is, but the will is not there to step forward.

College realizations,
abilites and mistakes, urgency for some purpose. Frantic
to stop the downward spiral that has become his life.

University smackdown,
group learning, group drinking, pushed to purpose and excel. Acknowledgement
achievement and excitement about the future.

Dropped back into western Canada,
excitement soon quenched again by reality. Bills
soon pile up, debt owing, entrenched into tech support.

Years pass, baby born,
priorities change and coasting resumes. Parental
now, responsibilities, goals set aside, the child takes times, gives back love.

(here he doesn't really post anything for a week, then comes up with poetry... sheesh)

Posted by Oorgo - Permalink - Category: Ponderings | Comments (0)