Oorgo

Dread

Do you jump for joy when good things happen? Do you tend to relax when things start going your way? When things you hoped for happen, do you say "Wow that's great for, I'm so happy"? Well I don't.

As far back as I can remember when good things happen to me, when I'm in the black or come upon some winnings if I feel happy it's only temporary and it's soon replaced with an all too familiar feeling of dread. Dread, that's right, dread. Worry and anticipation of the accompanying bad that always comes with the good. The resulting hammer that falls whenever anything good happens, evening the score.

I don't know how this ever came about, I don't think I can control it, and I really wonder if it's just from life experiences that I react this way, or from a family that was always scrimping and saving, never expecting the great things because they never came. I remember in grade 9 when I got my student model Yamaha for Christmas, I felt thankful sure, but I also felt guilty, as if I didn't deserve it, and how could they afford this. Dreading the auxiliary expectations that they may have now that I own my own, perhaps expecting me to be a marvel. Guilt because I didn't feel the way I was supposed to be feeling and as happy as I should have been happy.

Recently things have been better, bills are getting paid, I'm very busy musically and there's all sorts of things opening up for me. Once again though, this week has been one of the worst I've had in ages, it's been constant. I don't sleep as well as I should, I don't want to go to bed because I feel like I can't and I've been restless at work and having difficulty concentrating.

Part of this is that there are all sorts of choices I foresee myself having to make, a couple of hard decisions that I don't want to, and a lessening of any free time that I thought I had. A part of this is the fact there are more gigs, many at a new place that seems great with all sorts of promise. Once again though I've heard all of this before, and my hopes can no longer be brought up by simple promises.

Another part of the problem is our yard, we've been working on getting it up to final grade status for too too long, and I've been attempting all summer to get something done on it. Nothing so far, nothing. Every F#$@ing weekend it rains, or I can't because I'm too busy or something else. It's driving me insane.

One last factor may be the fact that we're expecting come the end of November, so that day gets closer, and the thought of that added to the current load scares me. They say one kid is fun, but 2 is a family, and changes everything. I pray that we can take it.

The only solution I can see is wait, but I hate waiting, and hope, but I'm really bad at that. My mother told me a few years ago that good things WILL happen to us some day, they did when we had our son that's for sure, and my current job is great (for a job :)). Maybe she's right, maybe that's what I have to do, push aside the dread and enjoy the present. That's a hard task.

Posted by Oorgo at September 16, 2005 12:44 AM Permalink - Category: Ponderings | TrackBack