Oorgo

As I was driving to work

I was listening to my Speak no Evil cd (Wayne Shorter, of course) and it queued up 'Infant Eyes', I was completely disarmed. It's such a sad and beautiful song, and I had chosen it as music for Tristan's funeral, some 6 years ago. In a moment I remembered everything, I could see and hear everything, I was instantly back in the Funeral Home and the music was playing.

My life changed so much that week. Things that seemed so important now seemed meaningless, I fell back on my family and my wife and friends, I was confused and dazed. It took a long time and I did cope, but Il am not the same person I was, whether that's good or bad I don't know. I can't tell if I'm stronger, or weaker, but I think that I tried to disappear, tried to hide from people because I didn't want to talk about it. It is still difficult.

For the rest of the drive I thought about other things: my life, my purpose, why I do what I do, what I was meant to do, who I am. I realized a couple things and one is that I chose to be a musician, no one did it for me, and nobody is going to show me the golden path to success. I have always relied on other people to do things for me ... I don't find gigs, I don't peddle myself, I don't form bands etc. etc. I rely on others and that has lead me to sort of a paid gun status, I play for almost anyone.

I've been coasting for quite awhile, and I've definitely posted about this before, and I've had sudden sparks of gumption but they never last. It's so easy to just settle back into the 'everyman' position, especially here in Alberta where everyman is everywhere. I never entirely fit those pants, I never had those goals but when you have to eat and pay the bills and feed your kids that's what you do.

I don't know exactly how I'll go about this but I know I was much more serious before I started into the road of lull. I still don't fit in and I haven't really tried, but my creative side has been almost lulled to sleep by the growl of the commuter traffic and the hum of the AC. It's time I woke it up, shook off the lull and worked for myself. It's gonna be double shifts from now on.

Posted by Oorgo at May 23, 2007 07:25 PM Permalink - Category: Ponderings | TrackBack